The current state of Black America is the favorite topic of discussion among philosophers, poets, hairstylists, media, teachers, and Old Joe under the tree. There are many hypotheses formulated about the cause of demise in our community. Most theories include the governmental involvement, post-traumatic effects from slavery passed through the generations, and lack of resources and opportunities. All which have great relevance, but it’s very rare that we view ourselves as enablers. In such, it brings me to the subject of this article.

The Black family has always been an interesting and marvelous entity. It doesn’t just involve blood relatives, but others within the community that you’ve created a bond. There’s an African proverb that states, “It takes a village to raise a child.” This proverb resonated in everyone in your family imparting the wisdom, values, and ethics needed to assist this child into crossing the bridge into adulthood. In the Old County, children had to go through rites of passage, which involved them learning how to be self reliant with the information they’ve learned in childhood. These lessons were imperative for the children to be successful in the rest of their lives. The elders did not provide step-by-step guidance through all of the tasks, because the child had to learn their OWN strength. Lets fast forward through history, and see how the dynamics of the passages have morphed. During the segregation of Black and White America, our people suffered extreme hatred and violence without justice. Black parents, especially mothers have had to protect their children when the law failed. This meant monitoring whom and where your child was at all times, and keeping them lifted in the spirit of prayer. Through pioneers in the civil rights and Black liberation movements, there was some progress as far as justice for African Americans. However, the culture of shielding children from the dangers of the world still lingered through the community. Fast-forwarding a little more to the present day with greater opportunities to be successful, we see more Black men in a flaccid state. So, there needs to be some self-examining of the hand we may play in the situation. Are we enabling our men by hindering their growth into crossing the bridge into adulthood?

From the female perspective, I’ve encountered “good men” be totally handicapped by the women in their life. This “good man” is someone that has been successful in terms of education, employment, and values. However, handicappers can be described as someone in their life that doesn’t allow them to be self-reliant on their own abilities and decisions. This can be a mother, sister, cousin, or family friend, which has taken an overacting role in nurturing or shielding this man from his “rites of passage” tasks involved in becoming a “man”. For example, I was in a relationship with a man that was college educated and working in a professional job, all the society standards of the makings of good man to date. He was a gentleman, and never treated me anything other that a lady. The more serious we became, the enablers in his life began to hinder the growth of our relationship. Their opinions and overactive roles began to wear thin on the life we were trying to build together. These “enablers” didn’t want to give up their roles in his life to this new woman. They believed that they needed to guide in him in every decision when it came our relationship. He was so used to these women in his life, that he didn’t see the problems that they posed. Eventually, the relationship was no longer about the two of them, but with all the women in his life. When I expressed my distaste for the evasiveness, I was told that this was how it always had been. He expected me to have deal with other women dictating the way OUR relationship was supposed to be. I allowed him ample opportunities to correct the situation. He didn’t want me to confront these women, because he didn’t want to cause conflict. Lastly, the relationship ended because they didn’t approve of him marrying me.. It didn’t end because he didn’t love me enough, or disrespected me as a woman. The potential of having a healthy relationship that was built between us was gone. Let me state, I never wanted him to choose between me or the women in his life, I simply wanted him to set boundaries. I promised myself that I in the next man I dealt with, I would take a more active role by letting him know what I was not willing to tolerate with outside intruders. In my new relationship with a man that was totally different than the previous, I find myself facing the same problem. This made me want to examine on a micro level.

From the male perspective, Black men are lacking the male influence in their life to show how to be a “man”. This is largely due to single parent homes, where most times the son plays dual roles as husband and son. These mothers or anyone in a mothering role rely on their sons to emotional support systems, and will not give up their position easily. The man has become so used to this, that anyone that comes into his life is expected to deal with these factors. This is totally unfair to the woman that is romantically involved, because he’s already showing that someone else’s opinion and feelings matter more than yours. On behalf of the man, I don’t believe that this is an intentional way to discredit the influence you will have in your relationship, but he is caught in a catch 22. He runs the risk of upsetting the women that have always been in his life, or losing the woman he wants to be with. This is an unfortunate space for him. However, it comes a time in his life when he has to learn to let go of the legs of these women and walk alone. It is vital that he learns to trust his own decisions, or he will find himself without the woman HE truly desires. He has to find the confidence and strength within the lessons he has learned and walk into his own “manhood”. No woman should have to deal with these dynamics, and be expected to regard them as normal.

In closing, I urge all women to critically examine the active role they take in the men’s lives they love. Are you imparting unsolicited advice, or are you nurturing him from the falling. You can’t teach him to be something you are not. As women, we have to believe that in allowing him to be a man, he will fall many times. Nevertheless, these knee scrapes are the makings of a man. He will learn from his past experiences, and know there’s an alternative way. Trust, his legs are stronger than you think!

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